Thursday, October 11, 2007


Read about it here...

Some doctors think this is all in the mind.

Let them walk a mile in the shoes of someone who has it.

Some pastors think that the attending depressions can be traced to the sin of unbelief in one's life.

How cruel.

The violent mood swings.

The intense desire to die.

The daily feeling of the aches and pains as if to have the flu; accompanied by joints swelling and tremendous stiffness.

Such is my experience.

My poor wife. She and I can be talking, when suddenly, right in the middle of the conversation, without warning, and for no reason at all, my mood swings. At this point I become mean, and very angry.

In the early days of our marriage I would just let go with inconsiderate behavior towards her. Naturally she'd be stunned and hurt; and understandably so. After all, she had neither done or said anything to have deserved that treatment.

In the later years I'd been counseled to gently let her know when my mood was swinging, so as to be able to take up the conversation again at another time. I've done this, but still she is hurt and doesn't understand. Still the division between us widens as a result of my problem.

Every morning I wake up unrefreshed. I've been to the sleep clinic five times. I have sleep apnia. The clinic counted my having stopped breathing 90 times in a two hour period.

And, talk about waking up with either a hamstring or a calf muscle tying up in a knot...

The depressions are deep. Some people wrongly think that depression comes on as a result of the circumstances in life. I beg to differ. I say the depression just heightens the sense of the magnitude of those circumstances. It is an amplifier, not a result. The depression is always there, waiting for a place to light.

I have gone on to discover all of these things late in my life. The symptoms have been there since I was 8 or 9 years old. I just did not know the hows or whats.

As a result of these experiences I am now a very solitary person. Even my pastor and church mates don't understand. I guess I've made life unpleasant for them too.

These mood swings have it so that I have had to step down from the Eldership and Deaconate in various churches over the years. Understandably so. My family life has suffered, and, consequently, I am less than an example of the believer.

I hope someone reading this, who has these same problems, is comforted, knowing that you are not alone.

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